Never let me go

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That's the title of a book, and also a movie that I really hate but also quite enjoy whispering it inside my head. There are two others, "Internal sunshine of a spotless mind", again - I don't like it, and "I love you, Beth Cooper", which I haven't even watched because the rating is totally dreadful.

I love you, Beth Cooper. I love you, Beth Cooper.

Beth Cooper has never replied no matter how many times I've said it in my head.
Oh, and I'm not lesbian. Straight, 100%. The name is just a metaphor.

I think I've changed. In general, not sexual orientation...
I don't listen to music much these days. I also don't post much junk stuff on Facebook anymore. I feel like I'm more wrapped up, cocooned.

"Hold back the river let me look into your eyes."

It must be a good thing that I'm growing quieter and less spontaneous. But I think it's also sad.

Since primary school, I've always thought about winning and losing, about how I have to be the best in some way. I then ended up comparing myself to everyone else around and stuffed my head with jealousy. Actually, I still do now. And what is the best word to describe me? Pathetic. Arrg I hate that word.

I used to measure success with my ranking in class, with prizes, scholarships, my English, work, promotion, salary, music, photography, etc. Studying abroad was also one huge competition but I'm not qualified for that any more so I had to create something else. And that was travelling. Not many people are crazy and lonely enough to travel the way I do, so I enjoy calling myself a winner sometime.

But this year, as another friend of my group of 7 just got married, making it 4 down, 3 more to go - including me, I think another competition is going to be launched soon - how happy your family/married life is. Ouch, I'm now in the last batch.

I don't want to get married right away as I think 26 is not the time to settle down and start having kids yet. I also haven't got any relationship developed within the last five years, not to mention marriage.

But I do want to have a family, a husband, my lifetime co-traveller, and kids at some point later. 28? 27? Oh getting married at 27 would be a miracle considering what I have right now.
In my family, I have sisters - half sisters to be precise, so I've always lived like an only child. It would be great to have a more crowded family, with people who love me genuinely...

I know it's hard, and maybe that's the biggest challenge after all. But also know that once I'm sure of being loved, and knowing that we are all happy and healthy, there would be no more competitions as having them for myself is enough for the win.

Not that bad

Ok yesterday was some sort of nervous breakdown.
I'm not that bad...

Honestly I'm not that bad, or my therapist would have stuffed me with tons of medicine instead of kicking me out of the door and told me not to waste too much money on counselling...
After that I found a different kind of therapy to spend money on and it actually feels much better - travelling!

Anyhow, back to nervous breakdown... Again, it's not that bad, but the city is so stressful  these days with Tet coming, and I usually feel much worse around this time of the year. Everything just swung the mood down.
I used to be a Tet lover, that's why it's more difficult to deal with now.

I'm not saying that I was pretending. Those were really words from my head and heart, but they are not supposed to be spoken out loud. These things simply turn me into a pathetic, psycho freak publicly, which is not completely incorrect, but again, *whispering* it's supposed to be a secret.
Because?
1. No one care.
2. Worse than that, people would feel sorry, and then, don't care.

My therapist used to ask me if I would ever show my true self, the real me that usually played "tough" at times but easily got panic at many other times.

Of course. Of course I would.
I sometimes have this image on my mind. It's a little cosy room with three window-sides that form a half-hexagon shape. I'm curling up on the couch, resting my head on your lap and babbling about all the good, the bad, and the ugly. You would run your fingers through my hair, whispering to me "It's alright. I'm here, I got your back".

If you were real, I would love you so much.

Low

I'm feeling terrible.

Curling up here, moping, feeling sorry for myself, drowning in the fear and loneliness.
Weak and pathetic.

Even I despite myself now, who else in the world can think any different.
Who else can love me in the world...

Mum loves me, but she's in another world. Dad loves me, but he's lost in his own world.
I'm not loved, and so not lovable.

I'm selfish and ugly. I'm jealous with the whole happy world.