Fighting the fears while looking for South America

Alright, let's write an entry today.

So, it's been a while since the last post and those days are not filled with just fond memories. In fact, there have been quite a few unpleasant moments to look back. Anyhow, the important thing is I've also learnt and created some new anti-crisis/crisis-solving systems. 

For the past few weeks, I have experienced much more serious emotion instability, which is another evidence for what I've probably been aware - my mental strength is weak.

I get nervous quite easily, usually about the future, and the fears are magnified at least 10 times more dreadful that what they actually are. With that environment already set, some certain events can trigger serious panic attacks.

But like I've said, I've learnt. After wrapping up myself in a blanket crying for a while, I had some long talk with a a few people, went out for a drink and forced myself to listen to them, and do as they said though they didn't really make sense to me at first. But they worked.

In the past, the panics were not so destructive as I always had someone to rely on, mentally and physically. I thought I didn't have anyone any more, but I actually still do. Dad is still here. So I spent time more with dad, helped him more, hugged him more. He doesn't remember much now but his heart is still here. He sometimes forgets my name and is completely unaware of how old I am now, but he still asks my maid where I am when I'm not around, and wakes up in the middle of the night to check if I sleep alright. I'm always the little girl, little princess, little prince, and I'll always be, to him. Dad never let go of me and he'll never will. And neither will I. I'll hold on to you forever, Dad.

Sometimes I have this weird feeling that my life now is probably some sort of experiment and people are throwing different variables onto me to see how I react, to train myself. Or maybe before this life, I actually chose to live this way, to experience, or to pay off. Both of these make me feel much better about living.

People have big dreams, great life goals. I also once had. I dreamt of getting a scholarship to study abroad in one of those fancy countries far far away, to experience a new independent life, to be with someone special, and to see the world. 

But it's simplified now. While Dad is here, it's all for him, no matter how long it will be.

This is how I stop questioning into nothing about why the whole thing is happening to me. This is the strength for me to get through the whole complication and greediness of other people (not Dad) unfortunately attached to my life at the moment.

And I've been trying to stop worrying about what haven't even happened yet. They wouldn't help, and completely ruin the wonderful things I should be having. Be aware for what may or may not happen and get a plan for them, but just don't let them take over you.

I had a business/leisure trip at the beginning of March with so much mixed feelings with highlight on unnecessary fighting and anger. And karma came for me. Oh yes I believe in karma and silver linings. 

And, my crush somehow found his way back to his once love affair, the one he kept telling me about when we started getting to know more about each other.

That said, as if it wasn't already as clear as the Sun looking from Mercury, I'm not the star of his story, not the Alaska he's been looking for.

So who's mine... Alaska, Antarctica or South America

Will you find your way to me soon? 

Will I find you soon? 

Will I ever will?

I know, I made the vow, and I'll take care of Dad till the end, but don't you think may be the efforts are worth some extra offer... Like, well, a lovely, lively, spontaneous, super smart and incredibly cool man like Mr Fox from Zootopia that, most importantly, LOVES me?!?

Pleaseeee........

Never let me go

Xin đừng quên tôi.
Xin đừng quên em.

That's the title of a book, and also a movie that I really hate but also quite enjoy whispering it inside my head. There are two others, "Internal sunshine of a spotless mind", again - I don't like it, and "I love you, Beth Cooper", which I haven't even watched because the rating is totally dreadful.

I love you, Beth Cooper. I love you, Beth Cooper.

Beth Cooper has never replied no matter how many times I've said it in my head.
Oh, and I'm not lesbian. Straight, 100%. The name is just a metaphor.

I think I've changed. In general, not sexual orientation...
I don't listen to music much these days. I also don't post much junk stuff on Facebook anymore. I feel like I'm more wrapped up, cocooned.

"Hold back the river let me look into your eyes."

It must be a good thing that I'm growing quieter and less spontaneous. But I think it's also sad.

Since primary school, I've always thought about winning and losing, about how I have to be the best in some way. I then ended up comparing myself to everyone else around and stuffed my head with jealousy. Actually, I still do now. And what is the best word to describe me? Pathetic. Arrg I hate that word.

I used to measure success with my ranking in class, with prizes, scholarships, my English, work, promotion, salary, music, photography, etc. Studying abroad was also one huge competition but I'm not qualified for that any more so I had to create something else. And that was travelling. Not many people are crazy and lonely enough to travel the way I do, so I enjoy calling myself a winner sometime.

But this year, as another friend of my group of 7 just got married, making it 4 down, 3 more to go - including me, I think another competition is going to be launched soon - how happy your family/married life is. Ouch, I'm now in the last batch.

I don't want to get married right away as I think 26 is not the time to settle down and start having kids yet. I also haven't got any relationship developed within the last five years, not to mention marriage.

But I do want to have a family, a husband, my lifetime co-traveller, and kids at some point later. 28? 27? Oh getting married at 27 would be a miracle considering what I have right now.
In my family, I have sisters - half sisters to be precise, so I've always lived like an only child. It would be great to have a more crowded family, with people who love me genuinely...

I know it's hard, and maybe that's the biggest challenge after all. But also know that once I'm sure of being loved, and knowing that we are all happy and healthy, there would be no more competitions as having them for myself is enough for the win.

Not that bad

Ok yesterday was some sort of nervous breakdown.
I'm not that bad...

Honestly I'm not that bad, or my therapist would have stuffed me with tons of medicine instead of kicking me out of the door and told me not to waste too much money on counselling...
After that I found a different kind of therapy to spend money on and it actually feels much better - travelling!

Anyhow, back to nervous breakdown... Again, it's not that bad, but the city is so stressful  these days with Tet coming, and I usually feel much worse around this time of the year. Everything just swung the mood down.
I used to be a Tet lover, that's why it's more difficult to deal with now.

I'm not saying that I was pretending. Those were really words from my head and heart, but they are not supposed to be spoken out loud. These things simply turn me into a pathetic, psycho freak publicly, which is not completely incorrect, but again, *whispering* it's supposed to be a secret.
Because?
1. No one care.
2. Worse than that, people would feel sorry, and then, don't care.

My therapist used to ask me if I would ever show my true self, the real me that usually played "tough" at times but easily got panic at many other times.

Of course. Of course I would.
I sometimes have this image on my mind. It's a little cosy room with three window-sides that form a half-hexagon shape. I'm curling up on the couch, resting my head on your lap and babbling about all the good, the bad, and the ugly. You would run your fingers through my hair, whispering to me "It's alright. I'm here, I got your back".

If you were real, I would love you so much.

Low

I'm feeling terrible.

Curling up here, moping, feeling sorry for myself, drowning in the fear and loneliness.
Weak and pathetic.

Even I despite myself now, who else in the world can think any different.
Who else can love me in the world...

Mum loves me, but she's in another world. Dad loves me, but he's lost in his own world.
I'm not loved, and so not lovable.

I'm selfish and ugly. I'm jealous with the whole happy world.

Birthday

Hey hey birthday birthday

I'm 26 now. The first day is alcohol free and tasted just like 25!!!
But I'll save it for tonight, when me and a few close friends will have a little cider party... Yep, cider, my most favourite of all time. Sweet alcohol, drink till you're dead drunk...

Ok, time to make a wish.
Before that, I feel like I'm still being watched. I've scanned through all the connections associated with my blogger here, and disconnected it from Google+, so it should be nowhere in sight from anyone!!
I don't want to put it in private mode because it would look just like a dead blog. Imagine you write on your Google doc. Boriiiiiiinnnngggg.

Any how, back to the wishes.

I hope my family will stay safe and sound, and happy. That's my biggest wish.
I hope I'll be in great health condition. I'll try my best to take care of my own self.
I hope I'll make it to many other places in the world. It would be great if I can visit another continent aside from Asia this year. Strength, money, time, and free of mind, everything you need to be a traveller.

26.
Hanoi is being crazily cold these days. 5C in the rain here is 10 times worst than Everest Base Camp's -15C. I miss the sun. I miss my sunshine, my dandelion.

25 - I've met so many new people around the world. Most of them I don't really know when I'll see them again.

It's a bit disappointing not having heard anything from you, but to be honest, it wasn't a great surprise considering how your mind usually works. You're so frustrating, just like those Murakami and Ishiguro novels - sad sad people drowning themselves in the imaginary fears. You are not entitled to live like that and neither am I. Think, think differently.
Hah, but you won't, I know you won't, because that's the way you are.

Time will flush down everything, no matter how dramatic I'm trying to be. I'm no longer tied to the obsession. But it still feels a bit sad that I now have to admit that this is how it ends.

This is how it ends.

Our paths may never cross again, here or there. I met you again when I just turned 25, and you were by my side when I collapsed onto the cold ground though you were miles away and you didn't even know. I thought it could be something.

But here's an inconvenient truth for drama queen: it was nothing, no star-crossed lovers, but also no happy ending. A boy in distress and disappointment found a stop gap, staying for a short while with a girl who was merely a distraction for him.
He now moves on with his real life and so does she. They may meet again in 5 or 10 years later and at that time the hearts will barely remember the mid-twenties touch of pink.

No, it's not a happy ending if the girl and the boy are to be the stars of the story.
But who says their story needs a happy ending.
And who says they need to be the star or sunshine, or dandelion in each other's life.

Sunday

I dreamt about mom.

I often see her once in a while, and it always feels like she never left.
It's been nearly 10 years.

Lunar New Year is coming. My birthday is coming. I'll be 26 in, well, 11 days. Not feeling excited anymore...
Hope holiday is going to be alright. I'll try to be less OCD and cut off the pressure I'm putting on myself.

It would be a lie if I say I'm not missing it. Same time of the year again, same weather, same breezes, I miss it a lot.

Nonsensical weirdo Nhung.

First post

So, I'm blogging again.
It's been ages since the old cheesy yahoo, but I guess my level of abnormality hasn't really changed much.

I don't know what I'm going to write. Probably about travelling experiences and tips? I haven't been around that much and honestly, this blog doesn't mean to be published or anything.

I just need to write. It can be about the cheeky dog next door, or the squirrel in the office yesterday.

I'll probably write about what my photographic memory suddenly gives me each day. More like cinematographic actually...

Ok, so shall we?

(I thought only Britons like using it, but the "shall we" thing has come out mostly from a North American I know...)