So, it's been a while since the last post and those days are not filled with just fond memories. In fact, there have been quite a few unpleasant moments to look back. Anyhow, the important thing is I've also learnt and created some new anti-crisis/crisis-solving systems.
For the past few weeks, I have experienced much more serious emotion instability, which is another evidence for what I've probably been aware - my mental strength is weak.
I get nervous quite easily, usually about the future, and the fears are magnified at least 10 times more dreadful that what they actually are. With that environment already set, some certain events can trigger serious panic attacks.
But like I've said, I've learnt. After wrapping up myself in a blanket crying for a while, I had some long talk with a a few people, went out for a drink and forced myself to listen to them, and do as they said though they didn't really make sense to me at first. But they worked.
In the past, the panics were not so destructive as I always had someone to rely on, mentally and physically. I thought I didn't have anyone any more, but I actually still do. Dad is still here. So I spent time more with dad, helped him more, hugged him more. He doesn't remember much now but his heart is still here. He sometimes forgets my name and is completely unaware of how old I am now, but he still asks my maid where I am when I'm not around, and wakes up in the middle of the night to check if I sleep alright. I'm always the little girl, little princess, little prince, and I'll always be, to him. Dad never let go of me and he'll never will. And neither will I. I'll hold on to you forever, Dad.
Sometimes I have this weird feeling that my life now is probably some sort of experiment and people are throwing different variables onto me to see how I react, to train myself. Or maybe before this life, I actually chose to live this way, to experience, or to pay off. Both of these make me feel much better about living.
People have big dreams, great life goals. I also once had. I dreamt of getting a scholarship to study abroad in one of those fancy countries far far away, to experience a new independent life, to be with someone special, and to see the world.
But it's simplified now. While Dad is here, it's all for him, no matter how long it will be.
This is how I stop questioning into nothing about why the whole thing is happening to me. This is the strength for me to get through the whole complication and greediness of other people (not Dad) unfortunately attached to my life at the moment.
And I've been trying to stop worrying about what haven't even happened yet. They wouldn't help, and completely ruin the wonderful things I should be having. Be aware for what may or may not happen and get a plan for them, but just don't let them take over you.
I had a business/leisure trip at the beginning of March with so much mixed feelings with highlight on unnecessary fighting and anger. And karma came for me. Oh yes I believe in karma and silver linings.
And, my crush somehow found his way back to his once love affair, the one he kept telling me about when we started getting to know more about each other.
That said, as if it wasn't already as clear as the Sun looking from Mercury, I'm not the star of his story, not the Alaska he's been looking for.
So who's mine... Alaska, Antarctica or South America
Will you find your way to me soon?
Will I find you soon?
Will I ever will?
I know, I made the vow, and I'll take care of Dad till the end, but don't you think may be the efforts are worth some extra offer... Like, well, a lovely, lively, spontaneous, super smart and incredibly cool man like Mr Fox from Zootopia that, most importantly, LOVES me?!?
Pleaseeee........
Pleaseeee........
